I still remember the intoxicating freedom of our early twenties, living what everyone enviously called the ultimate DINK dream—Double Income, No Kids. My husband and I actually met at our suffocating corporate job, exchanging flirty glances over the tops of beige cubicles and sneaking away for extended coffee breaks. When we finally decided to make it official and disclose our relationship to the company, HR was basically like “awww yay!” and enthusiastically pushed a standard disclosure form across the desk. Since we weren’t in each other’s direct line of management, the only real consequence was some light, good-natured joking from coworkers who had already guessed our secret. We were completely unstoppable, pooling our generous salaries to fund spontaneous weekend trips to the coast, obscenely expensive sushi dinners, and a lifestyle completely devoid of real responsibility.
Then, on a completely unremarkable Tuesday morning, two aggressively pink lines on a plastic stick fundamentally altered the entire trajectory of our universe. I was pregnant, and instead of the overwhelming joy you see in glossy diaper commercials, an absolutely suffocating wave of generational financial terror violently washed over me. The stark reality of bringing a fragile new life into an economy that actively punishes the working class completely paralyzed me on the cold bathroom tiles. All of our carefree weekend trips and expensive dinners instantly felt like foolish, reckless mistakes as the crushing weight of impending medical bills and daycare costs suddenly became my new, terrifying reality.
I am an older millennial, and I vividly remember watching my dad work three to four brutal, back-breaking jobs just to keep my sister and me fed and housed in the
…freezing winters of the Midwest, and I had sworn a blood oath to myself that I would never, ever let my own family experience that kind of suffocating, soul-crushing financial panic. But the moment my boss discovered my harmless weekend side hustle, his entire demeanor morphed from a supportive mentor into a vindictive corporate tyrant hellbent on my absolute destruction. He didn’t just write me up; he initiated a sweeping, company-wide reign of terror, starting with the sudden, unannounced arrival of a ruthless management consultant who was brought in to dismantle our lives. Let’s call this corporate grim reaper ‘Brad,’ a man who wore tailored, ridiculously expensive Italian suits and smiled with the terrifying, dead-eyed warmth of a hungry great white shark circling a wounded seal.
Brad paraded through our previously vibrant workspace with a gleaming silver clipboard, treating us not as dedicated human beings who had sacrificed our nights and weekends for this company, but as bloated, inconvenient line items on his merciless cost-cutting spreadsheet. His corporate jargon was completely disconnected from the actual grueling labor that kept the business afloat, making it painfully obvious he had no idea how our daily operations actually functioned. The immediate shift in the office atmosphere was palpable; you could physically feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room as my boss shadowed Brad’s every step. My manager wore a cowardly, complicit smirk that made my stomach churn with absolute disgust, clearly reveling in the sudden influx of unchecked power and the sheer terror radiating from our desks.
“We are entering a necessary phase of aggressive operational streamlining to eliminate redundancies and aggressively maximize
…shareholder value.” The audacity of that corporate word salad made my blood boil so fiercely I could feel my pulse pounding in my temples, a visceral reaction to his blatant manipulation. I couldn’t sleep that night, so I vented to a massive online industry forum, pouring out my absolute disgust about this delusional expectation that my entire existence belonged to the company just because they paid me a mediocre, barely-livable salary. I needed to know if I was losing my mind, or if this toxic ownership mentality had infected the entire corporate landscape like a silent, suffocating virus.
The flood of responses I received completely shattered my perspective on the traditional, deeply flawed “time for money” philosophy we’ve all been systematically brainwashed to accept as normal. One veteran retail worker shared a jaw-dropping story about being aggressively accosted at a fleet farm store during the absolute chaos of a Black Friday shift. A belligerent customer demanded to know why a summer item wasn’t drastically discounted, and when the shocked clerk asked if the customer genuinely thought floor workers set the prices, the aggressive response was utterly terrifying.
“Damn right I do, you work here don’t you, you have the power to change it!” the customer had screamed, completely detached from the reality of how corporate hierarchies actually function. That insane, entirely misplaced entitlement is exactly how modern middle-management views our personal time and autonomy, treating us like absolute property. They genuinely believe that buying forty hours of our week gives them omnipotent, unquestionable control over the other one hundred and twenty-eight hours of our lives.
Another community member perfectly
…captured the absolute absurdity of the current job market, where unchecked corporate greed has completely shattered the American dream and left us fighting viciously for scraps. America is literally crying out for help, trapped in a relentless cycle of corporate abuse where dedicated workers are treated like disposable cogs in a broken, soulless machine. One user shared a deeply demoralizing experience about being interviewed by an AI chat bot named ‘Jamie’ for a massive IT staffing company client. They poured their heart out answering standard, soul-crushing interview questions, desperately trying to showcase their years of hard-earned expertise, only to have this algorithm reply back with a cheeky, automated “Thanks” that completely broke their last shred of sanity. It is genuinely terrifying how dehumanizing the job hunt has become, reducing our humanity to mere data points for a literal robot to casually discard without a second thought.
Another person vented about getting a formal, humiliating rejection letter from a company for a literal job fair they had merely registered to attend online. They were straight up told, “After much consideration we regret to inform you we will not be moving forward with your application,” when they hadn’t even submitted a single piece of paperwork yet! This staggering level of corporate incompetence perfectly mirrored my own boss’s absolute disregard for my humanity, my livelihood, and my basic right to exist outside of his dictatorial control. We are out here begging for crumbs, jumping through impossible, humiliating hoops, while poorly run companies pass us up for promotions three times in a row without batting an eye. I read a heartbreaking story of a guy who lined up another opportunity for a modest eight percent raise after being repeatedly ignored, and his boss still treated his departure like a massive, unforgivable personal betrayal.
The sheer hypocrisy of these massive corporations is enough to make your blood boil, especially when they pretend to care about domestic workers while secretly outsourcing absolutely everything to the lowest possible bidder. One user shared a hilarious but infuriating story about a massive retail chain heavily pushing a patriotic “Made in the USA” marketing campaign to artificially boost their failing public image. They walked through the store picking up random items, only to discover a staggering ratio of twenty cheaply made items from China for every single item actually produced domestically. They noted that ninety-nine percent of people just don’t look closely enough or care enough to shop elsewhere, allowing these massive companies to lie straight to our faces without any consequences. It is this exact same deceptive, profit-driven mentality that allows middle-management tyrants to treat their dedicated employees like completely disposable garbage while demanding absolute, unwavering loyalty.
The Clock is Ticking
I knew I couldn’t just sit there in stunned silence and let this arrogant, power-hungry tyrant destroy my entire financial future over a completely harmless weekend side hustle. My heart was pounding out of my chest as I frantically started researching my legal options, desperately trying to find a hidden loophole in my dense, convoluted employment contract. I spent hours pouring over confusing legal jargon, my eyes burning from the harsh blue light of my monitor as I searched for any labor law precedent that could save my career. The sheer, suffocating panic of potentially losing everything I had worked so tirelessly to build was overwhelming, but beneath that terror, a burning, undeniable rage was finally starting to take hold. I was absolutely not going to be another tragic, forgotten statistic in this ruthless, one-sided corporate game of chess.
“Corporate HR departments rely entirely on your paralyzing fear and your complete ignorance of labor laws to force you out quietly, quickly, and as cheaply as humanly possible.”
That chilling realization hit me like a massive freight train as I consulted with a fiercely intimidating employment lawyer I found through a desperate, late-night web search. He explained in brutal detail that my boss was likely trying to construct a fast, paper-thin case for termination ‘with cause’ to completely avoid paying out my hard-earned severance package or my accrued PTO. The strategy was brutally simple and shockingly common: make my daily life so unimaginably miserable, stressful, and legally precarious that I would voluntarily resign out of sheer panic and mental exhaustion. But I was finally waking up to their dirty, underhanded tactics, and the pure adrenaline rushing through my veins told me it was time to stop cowering and go on the absolute offensive.
The Insider’s Playbook
That very same evening, a former HR manager from a massive, notoriously ruthless Fortune 500 company slid into my inbox with a masterclass in corporate warfare that completely changed my trajectory. This anonymous guardian angel confirmed every single one of my worst, most paranoid suspicions about my boss’s sinister strategy and handed me the exact, step-by-step blueprint I needed to fight back. Their advice was so brilliantly ruthless, cold, and calculated that I literally had to read the message three times just to fully absorb the sheer, unadulterated genius of it. This wasn’t just about frantically protecting my job anymore; this was about extracting maximum emotional pain and massive financial compensation from a corrupt system specifically designed to crush people like me.
The HR manager laid out three non-negotiable rules for my ultimate survival:
* Document absolutely everything: Forward every single threatening email, passive-aggressive Slack message, and suspicious calendar invite to a secure, personal email address immediately to build an ironclad paper trail.
* Never voluntarily resign: Affirm in writing that you have absolutely zero intention of resigning and will continue to perform your duties remotely, exactly as you were originally hired to do.
* Force their hand: Keep virtually “showing up” every single day, aggressively doing your job until they physically revoke your system privileges, ensuring your absolute, undeniable right to collect unemployment.
This was exactly the way to beat them at their own twisted game, and I felt a massive wave of dark, vengeful satisfaction wash over me as I read those empowering words. By formally documenting my unwavering commitment to the role and refusing to back down, I was effectively building an impenetrable legal fortress around my pending unemployment claim and potential severance package. If they truly wanted me gone over a harmless weekend side hustle that didn’t affect my work, they were going to have to fire me explicitly, without cause, and pay through the absolute nose for the privilege of doing so.
The Cheap Chair Revelation
As I was obsessively reviewing my original employment contract and the company’s spectacularly outdated, hypocritical employee handbook, a massive, glaring vulnerability suddenly caught my eye. I vividly remembered the agonizing, shooting pain in my lower back that had been plaguing me for the last eight months, a direct, undeniable result of the outrageously cheap, unergonomic office chairs my boss had forced us all to use. He had bragged openly and proudly during a massive team meeting about saving the company thousands of dollars by purchasing these imported, rock-hard plastic torture devices from a sketchy, going-out-of-business liquidator. He cared
more about his bottom line than our deteriorating spinal health. So when he finally pulled me into a windowless, suffocatingly small conference room to confront me about my completely legal, off-hours side hustle, the sheer hypocrisy of his aggressive corporate loyalty lecture made my blood absolutely boil. He paced back and forth, his cheap cologne lingering in the stagnant air, as he launched into a furious tirade about how my dedication to the company was fundamentally compromised by my evening freelance projects. I sat there in one of those exact same rock-hard plastic torture devices he had proudly purchased, feeling the familiar shooting pain travel up my lower spine, and realized I had absolutely nothing left to lose in this pathetic standoff.
I reminded him, keeping my voice dangerously calm, that my initial interview for this role was with two guys who asked absolutely no real questions, just lazily skimmed my background, and made an insulting offer that was exactly 40k below the job I had just been laid off from. I had only taken the position because a low paycheck was marginally better than no paycheck at all, but I certainly didn’t owe them my soul, my evenings, or my physical well-being for such a severely discounted rate. He was certainly not pleased with my retort, his face flushing a deep, angry crimson as he started aggressively talking about how employees should be deeply motivated to go above and beyond in their role, claiming that was the absolute minimum expectation he had for my team.
“I’m not sure what going above and beyond actually looks like in this company,” I interrupted, staring directly into his furious, bulging eyes. “Can you give me a specific example from your own work, other than cutting corners on our health?”
The room went dead silent as the sheer disrespect of my response hung heavily in the stale conference room air, the tension wrapping around us like a thick, suffocating wool blanket. But what he slowly pulled out of his locked leather briefcase next changed absolutely everything…
He aggressively slapped a pre-written termination agreement onto the scratched mahogany table, demanding I sign away my right to sue the company in exchange for a pitiful two weeks of severance pay, claiming I had committed “time theft” by simply thinking about my side hustle during office hours. I scoffed at the ridiculous document, knowing my legal rights inside and out, and explicitly told him I would be immediately affirming in writing that I had absolutely no intention of resigning under these fabricated pretenses. I made sure to emphasize that I would continue to perform my contracted duties strictly remotely, and that I was saving a separate, time-stamped copy of all those emails for my own legal protection against his blatant intimidation tactics.
I then pulled out my own folder, revealing the extensive paper trail I had meticulously built documenting every single complaint my coworkers and I had submitted regarding the severe physical pain caused by his liquidated, unergonomic office furniture. I calmly informed him that my doctor’s recent diagnosis regarding my severe spinal degradation meant my condition was now legally protected, and I was fully prepared to file an aggressive ADA complaint with the EEOC for workplace injury and targeted retaliation. I explained, with a terrifyingly polite smile, that the Americans with Disabilities Act strictly prevents discrimination based on a medical condition, and firing me immediately after I documented a workplace-induced physical injury would look incredibly suspicious to any federal investigator.
The Ultimate Corporate Meltdown
The sheer, unadulterated terror in the HR director’s eyes when she was hurriedly pulled into the room was absolutely priceless, proving once again that there is no evidence their recruiting, interviewing, or corporate HR strategies even work better than basically random selection. They go through all this bureaucratic nonsense, administering endless personality tests and multiple rounds of behavioral interviews, and then sit around bewildered, wondering how they managed to pick a middle manager who was this disastrous for the company’s legal liability. It became instantly clear that my boss had gone completely rogue with this termination attempt, failing to consult legal about the massive, glaring compliance nightmare he had just handed me on a silver platter.
Gross corporate negligence, undocumented workplace hazards, and blatant retaliatory termination were the exact phrases I loudly used as the HR director began frantically texting the company’s external legal counsel under the table. The conversation about my off-hours side hustle was instantly and permanently abandoned; they were suddenly in full-blown, catastrophic damage control mode, realizing that my documented spinal injury from their bargain-bin chairs could trigger a devastating, multi-million dollar class-action lawsuit from the entire staff. My arrogant boss was suddenly reduced to a stammering, sweating mess, physically shrinking into his own chair as he realized his desperate attempt to assert dominance over my career had just jeopardized his own high-paying job.
They practically begged me to sign an ironclad non-disclosure agreement regarding the imported torture chairs, sliding a heavily revised, massive severance package across the table that included six months of full pay, extended healthcare benefits, and a glowing letter of recommendation. But I wasn’t quite done extracting my pound of flesh; I told my now-humiliated boss that I would graciously agree to help them transition my complex projects, but only if I could officially freelance for him at exactly 200% of my current hourly fee. I demanded they get these new terms in legally binding writing, paid per individual job with a non-negotiable, mandatory deposit of at least 50% upfront, while he provided the expensive computer hardware and all the premium software licenses required to do the work.
“You get exactly two revisions on any project,” I told him, sliding the amended contract back across the table with a victorious smirk. “The third draft is the final draft, and I will be working exclusively from the comfort of my own home.”
He had absolutely no choice but to shakily sign the agreement, his ego completely shattered and his entire department’s budget blown to pieces by the very employee he had tried to cheap out on. I walked out of that suffocating office building for the very last time, my massive severance check secured, my thriving side hustle fully intact, and the sweet, unparalleled satisfaction of knowing I had beaten corporate greed at its own twisted game.
The Viral Aftermath of Corporate Rebellion
When I finally shared the gritty, unvarnished details of my severance triumph online, I never in a million years expected the absolute tidal wave of solidarity that flooded my inbox overnight. Thousands of burnt-out, exhausted professionals reached out from every corner of the globe, pouring their hearts out about their own toxic bosses and the soul-crushing reality of modern corporate loyalty. They weren’t just reading a mildly entertaining story; they were looking directly into a mirror reflecting their own daily miseries, and my brutal victory felt like a rare, electrifying win for the little guy. It became blindingly obvious to me that my vindictive manager wasn’t an isolated monster, but rather a glaring symptom of a deeply broken corporate system that actively feeds on our financial desperation.
“We are all just one bad manager away from losing our livelihoods and our sanity, but you actually figured out how to make those corporate vultures pay a premium for the privilege of letting you go.”
One particular message that struck a profound chord came from a senior developer who described his supposedly “fun” tech office as nothing more than a beautifully decorated, open-plan prison cell. He told me about the flashy, expensive pool tables and the vintage Asteroids arcade machines sitting in his company breakroom that literally nobody ever had the time or energy to touch. New hires would walk through the doors, see the colorful games, and immediately think they had landed in some utopian, laid-back paradise, completely oblivious to the impending nightmare awaiting them. But the dark reality was that these expensive toys were just cheap window dressing designed to distract from the eighty-hour workweeks and the relentless, grinding project deadlines that systematically destroyed their personal lives.
The True Cost of Cheap Furniture
Looking back at the absolute misery of my former office, those spine-destroying, bargain-bin chairs were never just about standard corporate penny-pinching; they were a glaring, physical manifestation of how little they valued our basic humanity. When a multi-million-dollar enterprise flat-out refuses to spend more than fifty bucks on the essential equipment you use for nine grueling hours a day, they are telling you exactly what your health is worth to them. The agonizing lower back pain and the shooting nerve cramps we all suffered weren’t just random physical ailments; they were the bodily symptoms of a profound, systemic disrespect that we had all been quietly conditioned to accept.
The glaring signs of a toxic workplace are almost always physical before they become mental:
* Chronic, unexplained pain that miraculously disappears the exact moment you log off for the weekend.
* Bone-deep exhaustion that a full night of sleep can never fix, born entirely from navigating constant psychological warfare.
* Severe physical tension that instantly settles in your neck and shoulders the very second your manager enters the room.
I started diving deep into the actual psychological impact of workplace ergonomics, and the published data was absolutely staggering, revealing a direct, undeniable link between physical comfort and long-term emotional loyalty. Companies that actually invest in proper, high-quality seating see massive, immediate drops in employee turnover, yet poorly run companies absolutely refuse to look at it in that logical way. They treat us like disposable, easily replaceable cogs in a machine, completely oblivious to the fact that when you deliberately break the physical foundation of your workforce, the entire profitable structure eventually comes crashing down around you. It’s exactly like hiring random, untrained college kids to haul a priceless grand piano instead of paying for actual heavy-lifting specialists—it’s a guaranteed, foolproof recipe for a very expensive, catastrophic customer damage claim.
The realization hit me like a freight train: we were never a family; we were just a line item on a spreadsheet waiting to be erased.
Navigating the Dystopian Job Market
The horrifying stories my fellow corporate survivors shared about their recent job hunts made me incredibly, profoundly grateful for the massive severance cushion I had so brutally extracted from my former employer. One guy recounted the most demoralizing, deeply dehumanizing experience of his entire professional life: being interviewed for a lucrative senior IT role entirely by a soulless, automated AI chat bot. He spent an agonizing hour typing out thoughtful, incredibly vulnerable answers to standard BS interview questions, only to have a bot named “Jamie” reply with a cheeky, automated “Thanks!” that completely broke his last remaining shred of sanity. It is a terrifying, dystopian glimpse into a bleak future where our entire careers and livelihoods are dictated by cold algorithms that don’t even have the basic decency to pretend they care about our human existence.
Another exhausted woman messaged me about being endlessly strung along by her toxic employer, getting unfairly passed up for hard-earned promotions three separate times while being forced to take on double the workload. When she finally took matters into her own hands and lined up another opportunity for a modest eight percent raise, her boss had the absolute audacity to act personally betrayed. He flat-out refused to offer her a raise to stay, yet still had the nerve to demand that she work overtime to train her cheaper, less experienced replacement before she left. I told her exactly what I tell absolutely everyone now: you have to treat your career with the exact same ruthless, cold-blooded calculation that these massive companies use against you every single day.
Never let a lying, bottom-feeding recruiter yell at you on the phone or intimidate you into accepting a salary that is less than you deserve—just hang up the damn phone and walk away.
If you constantly get stonewalled by useless HR departments who only exist to protect the company, you bypass them completely, hit up the Chief Marketing Officer directly on LinkedIn, and take total control of your own narrative. We have to collectively stop treating these faceless corporate entities like benevolent, caring parents and start treating them like the purely transactional, ruthlessly profit-driven machines they actually are. The days of blind corporate loyalty are completely dead and buried, and the only person who is ever going to fiercely protect your financial interests and your mental health is you.
The Sweet Taste of Ultimate Victory
Today, as I sit peacefully in my beautifully sunlit home office—resting comfortably in a high-end, ridiculously expensive ergonomic chair that I literally bought using my former boss’s money—I feel nothing but profound, untouchable peace. The thriving side hustle that my vindictive manager tried so desperately to crush has now blossomed into a highly lucrative, full-time business empire that generates significantly more income than my corporate salary ever did. I no longer have to ask another grown adult for permission to take a simple lunch break, I don’t have to pretend to laugh at terrible management jokes, and I will never have to sacrifice my personal dignity for a paycheck again.
My absolute, non-negotiable rules for modern professional survival:
* Always have a secret exit strategy ready to deploy, because your company certainly has a cold contingency plan to replace you.
* Meticulously document every single conversation and email to build your own impenetrable armor against corporate gaslighting.
* Never apologize for fiercely prioritizing your own financial growth and mental well-being over outdated concepts of company loyalty.
That massive severance check wasn’t just temporary hush money; it was the ultimate seed capital for my absolute freedom, forcibly extracted from the very people who tried their hardest to keep me completely subjugated and afraid. They arrogantly thought they could use my ambition against me, weaponizing my successful side hustle to force a quiet resignation, but they wildly underestimated exactly how hard I was willing to fight back when backed into a corner. In the end, the incredibly cheap office chairs that originally broke my back became the exact, perfect leverage I needed to completely break their absolute control over my life, once and for all.
I didn’t just beat their rigged corporate system; I made their rigged system fund my permanent escape.
Red Flags You Should Never Ignore
1. Your boss views a 10-hour weekend side hustle as a ‘betrayal’ of the company.
2. The company actively removes ergonomic office furniture to ‘optimize’ costs, ignoring physical pain.
3. Management uses phrases like ‘sacrifice for the greater good’ when denying basic seating comfort.
4. HR creates a sudden paper trail of ‘commitment issues’ right after you request medical accommodations.
5. Consultants are brought in to eliminate remote work and enforce rigid, painful workplace layouts.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Can my employer fire me for having a side hustle outside of work hours?
A1: Honestly, this is a huge red flag. Unless you signed an ironclad non-compete or your weekend gig directly conflicts with your primary employer’s business, they generally shouldn’t dictate your off-the-clock life. That said, at-will employment means they can be petty. If your boss suddenly turns into a vindictive tyrant over your side hustle, you need to understand your Legal Rights. Don’t just accept their bullying. Document every interaction and consider seeking Expert Advice from an employment lawyer. If they try to push you out, you can absolutely use their toxic retaliation as leverage to negotiate better Compensation or a severance package.
Q2: How to handle financial anxiety and prepare for a baby when working a corporate job?
A2: That suffocating panic when you see those two pink lines is so real, especially transitioning from a DINK lifestyle to facing massive daycare costs. The best thing you can do is immediately start aggressive Financial Planning. Don’t rely solely on your corporate job, because as many of us have learned, loyalty means nothing to them. Look into diversifying your income—like starting a quiet side hustle—but keep it totally off your employer’s radar. If the stress of impending medical bills becomes paralyzing, seek out Solutions like speaking with a fiduciary. Never let corporate greed dictate your growing family’s future security.
Q3: What should I do if my company brings in a management consultant to cut jobs?
A3: When the “corporate grim reaper” shows up in a tailored suit talking about “aggressively maximizing shareholder value,” the writing is on the wall. They aren’t there to help you; they see you as a bloated line item. First, update your resume immediately. Second, document all your daily operations and achievements. If they try to streamline you out the door, don’t just walk away quietly. Use your deep institutional knowledge as leverage. If things get hostile, retaining Professional Help from a labor advocate can ensure you extract maximum Compensation and a massive severance before they replace you with a cheaper alternative.
Q4: Is it legal for my boss to control what I do during my personal time off the clock?
A4: Hell no. This toxic ownership mentality is a virus in modern middle-management. They buy forty hours of your week, not your soul. Unless you’re violating a very specific moonlighting policy, your 128 hours off the clock belong to you. If your boss initiates a reign of terror because you’re making extra cash on the weekend, they are massively overstepping. You need to read up on your Legal Rights regarding off-duty conduct in your state. If the harassment continues, getting Expert Advice from an attorney can quickly shut down their delusional expectation that your entire existence belongs to the company.
Q5: How to negotiate a massive severance package if I am being forced out by a toxic boss?
A5: If your boss is hellbent on your destruction, use their own incompetence against them to get out with a golden parachute. In my case, I literally used their cheap office chairs and petty safety violations as leverage. Document every single toxic interaction, unpaid overtime, or hostile behavior. When HR tries to push you out, present your paper trail. Don’t accept their first lowball offer. Treat your exit like a high-stakes business transaction where your goal is maximizing your Compensation. If you hit a wall, finding legal Solutions through a workplace attorney can force them to pay up just to make you go away.
Q6: Can disclosing a workplace relationship to HR be used against me later?
A6: Even if HR acts like your best friend and says “awww yay!” when